Why are threesomes so popular and how do I have one?

Having a threesome is one of the most common fantasies out there. In fact, it could be the most popular one there is! Many people decide to make this fantasy a reality. In fact, a study showed that 1 in 7 Americans have already had one.

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So what makes threesomes so attractive?

The reasons will differ from person to person. But there are many possibilities.

• It’s a great sensory experience. The more participants involved, the more your senses have to explore. Four hands on you instead of two, different smells, textures and sounds, your mouth, hands and *ahem* other things being busy all at the same time… 
• You get a lot of attention. Do you get turned on from having all eyes on you? Everyone likes to be appreciated, especially if you have a praise kink. A threesome or group sex scenario is a dream for someone with these tendencies.
• You get to watch your partner having fun. Another very common kink is cuckolding, where you enjoy watching your partner getting sexual with someone else. If this is you, a threesome is a great way to explore this fantasy.
• You get turned on by watching two people of the same gender having sex. If you can relate, this is unsurprising given that “lesbian” was the most searched for term on PornHub in 2018.

How do I approach my partner about finding a third?

Curious to make this fantasy a reality? This is where things have the potential to get difficult, but they don’t have to be.

• If you have a partner, approach this subject with caution. Have they ever shown signs of being open to this before? If you think they’ll be completely closed off to it, you may need to ask yourself how important playing out this fantasy is to you. If it has the potential to harm your relationship, you need to take the potential outcomes into consideration before bringing it up.
• Consider using a sex toy as your third first. If this is unknown territory for your relationship, consider using toys in the bedroom first. Jealousy is a common obstacle when it comes to threesomes; getting used to seeing your partner get pleasure from an inanimate object (such as our Charmed wand, which is great for all genders) could be a good first step to see how comfortable you would be involving another person.
• Choose your time wisely. If you’re confident in approaching this with your partner, be mindful of when you bring it up. We suggest doing it at a time where you’re not already being sexual. Suggesting getting someone else involved in the middle of sex can make your partner feel like they’re “not enough”. Do it over dinner, or a time where you’re both relaxed and in a safe space.
• Know your boundaries. Spend some time alone thinking about how you’d want the experience to go. If you have certain boundaries, what are they? Would you want the third to be involved with both of you? Would you want them to just watch? Are you the one wanting to do the watching?
• Make sure your partner knows their boundaries. Encourage them to spend some time alone thinking about what they are/aren’t comfortable with.
• Communicate your boundaries with each other and make sure you are clear before approaching someone to be a third. It could help to write these down so you are truly on the same page.

How do I find a third?

This is where people often get things wrong. Very wrong. The most important thing about anything sexual is consent. Now that you’ve discussed things with your sexual partner and you’re both consenting to the experience, you have to make sure the third person is just as enthusiastic. 

• Do not assume just because someone is bisexual that they will be your third. Bisexuals, especially bisexual women, are often objectified and put in uncomfortable situations because people assume that because they are attracted to multiple genders, that they’re interested in having multiple partners at the same time. To make that assumption is offensive! If your first thought is to approach your bi friend about a threesome, first ask yourself if they’ve ever shown signs that they’d be into it. If they haven’t, you could ask them politely if they get many requests for group sex and how it makes them feel.
• Do not initiate a threesome without prior consent. No, you can’t go out with your girlfriend and her hot best friend, get drunk and then make a move. As we all know, drunk people cannot give consent and putting someone in a situation they weren’t expecting is unacceptable. 
• Use dating apps but be honest. Don’t waste people’s time by talking to them or meeting them as a “single person”. If your only aim in using dating apps is to find a third, state that clearly in your bio. 
• Get to know the fetish and kink community. Attending swingers clubs and kink events will be a natural way of finding people who are open to these experiences. We recommend getting an account on FetLife to find people and events near you.
• Remember they have their own feelings and boundaries. You can’t force someone to fit your fantasy. For example, if you and your partner are specifically looking for a submissive third, but this person isn’t into BDSM dynamics, this probably wouldn’t be the right fit. 
• Ensure everyone knows each other’s boundaries. Communication is key. State clearly what you are comfortable/uncomfortable with before you start to avoid any awkwardness. 
• Use a traffic light system. Green = everything is good. Amber = I am still enjoying this but my boundaries are starting to be pushed. Red = stop.

A last bit of advice…

Having a threesome can be a thrilling and rewarding experience for everyone involved. We’re excited for you to get some action! Just remember that this fantasy involves three people, not just you. Consent is not just important, it’s imperative. So if it’s not an enthusiastic “hell yes”, then it’s a hell no! Try to have a threesome without involving a lot of alcohol; a glass of wine to calm your nerves is fine, getting blackout drunk isn’t. And finally, consider using a sex toy as your first “third”. It’s a fun, easy and safe way of introducing more to your sex life. You can check out our full collection on our website, but for starters, we recommend Charmed or Tulips, as they’re great for all genders. Good luck!

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