What started with a bashful cheek-peck after a romantic first date, soon blossomed into intense wooing, frequent French kisses and passionate trysts to second base. As time went on, the heat and playful banter between you and your beau increased – and now you’re ready to accelerate the pace! You’ve made the decision that you’re ready to be physically intimate with your partner, but having the “sex talk” can sometimes create anxiety and awkwardness.
In the beginning of the courtship phase, you probably kept topics light and fun (as most relationship experts recommend), but as you moved into deeper territories (and smooches), naturally your conversations should have shifted; allowing for more depth, openness and honesty.
True intimacy extends far beyond just physicality, and thus includes the space to be vulnerable about the most unique aspects of yourself – including your body, desires, boundaries, fetishes and kinks.
If you feel uncomfortable about expressing any of the aforementioned to a new partner, it’s probably an indication that you’re not ready to take the plunge just yet – which is totally okay!
However, if you ARE ready to “do the deed,” try turning the conversation into a game that both you’ll both be eager to play (and finish). Having a “sex talk” encompasses more than just getting tested, but other important facets of personal autonomy, so follow the steps outlined below to help you smoothly execute:
Get Dirty with Your Words:
Use descriptive language to express your carnal desires, and firmly communicate your expectations for safety and full-disclosure. If possible, have this conversation in person so that you can incorporate sultry, non-verbal cues such as coyly biting your bottom lip, looking up through downcast eyes or tossing your hair.
Example Script: “I’ve been having so much fun getting to know you, and I think I’m ready to show you another side of me. Every time I think about (insert a memory or favorite attribute of theirs), I get so turned on. I’ve been fantasizing about (insert a sexual act that you would love to enact), but I can't fully indulge in those fantasies without the both of us knowing our status. Would you be open to getting tested together?
By expressing your desires openly, you build anticipation and excitement, but also place a standard that must be met in order to proceed. You can even take it a step further, and turn the conversation into a light tease by saying something like, "After we both receive our results, the first thing I want to do to you is (insert sex act)."
You can also use this method as a segue into a discussion on past sexual histories, and it gives both of you the opportunity to disclose any important information (i.e. whether they have STI’s, etc) upfront.
Mix Honesty with Laughter:
If you have kinks and/or fetishes, there’s no better time to disclose them than during your first sex talk. While there may be some overlap between the two, a fetish (as defined by Merriam-Webster) is generally an “object or bodily part whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification,” while a kink is broader (and encompasses fantasies, sexual interests, or preferences).
If this is an area that you and your new partner have yet to discuss, you can play the “I’ve Got a Secret Game” to learn more about each other in a fun, no-pressure way. All you have to do is state: “I have a secret,” and then follow it by disclosing a kink or fetish. It can be true or not true, and it will be up to your partner to guess which it is.
Example Script: You might say to your partner, “I have a secret. I love spankings and light choking, and when done properly, I have the hugest orgasms.”
Your partner can then guess whether they believe it’s true or not; which will lead to a further conversation about whether the two of you are in alignment on that.
Again, the point of this game is to build anticipation and perhaps do some light teasing. It’s an ice-breaker, and an easy way to integrate deeper communications about consent – and what that would look like for the both of you.
The “sex talk” should never inspire dread!
At the end of the day, this is someone you’re going to be sharing the most intimate parts of yourself with. Have fun with the conversation, and use it as an opportunity to build further intimacy. By the time you’re both ready to move into action, you’ll be even more connected than before; which hopefully leads to better sex, deeper understanding and multiple orgasms!
Brittany Bella Graham is a Writer, Creative Director, Strategist and lingerie aficionado. Her 1:1 mentorship program for entrepreneurs, The Chrysalis, incorporates mindfulness and helps individuals launch sustainable businesses in alignment with their deepest, artistic and personal truths. Find out more at www.MissBellaGraham.com or follow on Instagram at @MsBellaGraham.